Control
by HoneyLissaBee
Summary: Oneshot. Based on "Whisper to a Scream." Paige and Ellie aren't exactly friends but when Paige witnesses Ellie cutting herself in the girl's washroom, something changes. Rated T for themes. May be triggering to those who struggle with self-injury.


**Author's Note: **_I've been in love with Paige lately, and I wanted to take a different approach on this story. _Whisper to a Scream_ is Ellie's episode. Most "Ellie" stories here are based on that episode. As a former cutter (nearly three years clean), I've always related to Ellie. This time, however, I decided to look at the same story through a different pair of eyes._

_Criticism is welcome! _

Control

Paige had always been slightly jealous of Ellie Nash. Ever since her first encounter in Media Immersion when Ellie refused to switch seats with Hazel. Sure, the words "freak," "vampire," and "weird new girl" had been passed around among friends, but that didn't change the truth.

Ellie Nash had everything under control, or so Paige thought. When Paige broke up with her first boyfriend in grade six, she was heartbroken. When Ellie announced her break-up with Marco, she was so relaxed. Nearly a month had passed since the last time Paige and Ellie were mentioned in the same sentence. Both of them had been up for the same co-op job with Caitlin Ryan. An outsider would have assumed Paige was a shoe-in for the position. She, like usual, looked the part. In contrast to Paige's new pink suit, Ellie wore an old yellow rain jacket over a stained shirt.

What Paige didn't know is that, for the first time in her life, Ellie _actually_ went to the mall to find that white top just for that interview. Had Paige known, she would have probably been even _more_ envious.

Paige wanted the co-op for her glory, but Ellie had dreams. Ellie knew where she wanted to go in life.

Paige always acted like she was on top of the world, but truth be told, she hated herself on most days.

* * *

It had been a year since that horrible night, and she still could not erase the memories from her mind. She slept with the lights on the previous night as she found herself doing more often than not.

Ellie wasn't in homeroom- again, but Paige hardly noticed. She was too engrossed with her conversation with Hazel. "Are you sure I look okay?" It was a loaded question. If Hazel said yes, Paige would have assumed it was a lie. If Hazel answered in the negative, she probably would have ended up in the same place Ashley Kerwin found herself in after that infamous party near the end of grade eight.

Hazel knew that Paige wouldn't accept an answer, so she pretended to listen to the video announcements. Nobody was fooled by the usual charade, but Paige wasn't in the mood to argue. Instead, she excused herself to go to the washroom. "Girl stuff," she lied. It was always a fail-proof excuse to get out of class- especially when it was Mr. Simpson's class.

* * *

All she wanted to do was fix the makeup she applied to cover the dark circles under her eyes. Even though she asked for Hazel's appearance, Paige didn't want to know. Rather, Paige didn't want Hazel to know that it had been yet another sleepless night. Things had gotten a lot better, but the nightmares resurfaced around the anniversary of that night.

The washroom door squeaked and hit the wall as it swung open. Paige walked in, twirling a strand of hair around her fingers as she spotted an, obviously surprised, Ellie. "Let me guess. Your latest expose: the hygiene of Degrassi's bathrooms," she half-scoffed.

"I'm running late," the response was so un-Ellie-like.

Paige was taken aback. She looked over at the washroom sink where Ellie was and grimaced. "Ew, Ellie, you're bleeding."

Again, there was no witty comeback from the redhead. "Oh, yeah, I," Ellie chuckled uneasily. "I hit my arm on the...thing." She reached into the sink for the compass and hurried out without giving Paige a chance to respond.

At that moment, the dark circles under Paige's eyes ceased to exist. She followed after Ellie, still unsure of how to process what she had just seen.

"What?" Ellie snapped.

"Ellie, I saw," Paige wasn't sure what bothered her more. What she had just witnessed, or Ellie lying to her face about it.

"I hit my arm," Ellie repeated her lie. "I'm going to file a complaint with the janitor," the response sounded more like the Ellie Nash Paige knew, but it was too late.

"Bull."

"Pardon me?" for the first time, Ellie stopped to look at Paige.

"Why would you do that to yourself? Does it feel good, or what?"

Ellie looked away, and Paige took a deep breath. _I sound like Hazel,_ she realized. _When Hazel wanted me to talk to somebody about Dean._

"Look," she continued, calmer than before. "Okay, I _totally_ get that you don't want to talk to me, but-"

"My arm's fine."

_You're about as fine as I was- am. Condoms aren't 99% effective against rape."_

"I'm not talking about your _arm_. You need to talk to someone like Ms. Suave or-"

* * *

"What I need is for you to leave me alone like you normally do," Ellie stormed off once more. People didn't just _walk away_ from Paige Michalchuk like that, but it didn't seem to matter.

"Paige, are you alright?" Hazel was the first and last person Paige wanted to see at the moment. "I thought you were going to come back to class like you _usually_ do."

Silence.

"Wait, were you talking to _Ellie Nash_? What's going on Paige? Are you like- jealous or something?"

Paige's jaw dropped. "Jealous? Jealous of who?"

"Well, we haven't been hanging out much, that's all. I know I've been spending most of my free time with Terri, and," Hazel's voice trailed off.

"You and Terri are two of my best friends in the whole world," Paige sighed. "I'm not trying to replace either of you."

Hazel lowered her voice. "This doesn't have anything to do with- you know? You're still talking to Ms. Suave, right?"

_God, I hate him. _Paige shook her head. "Completely unrelated, and yes, I'm still seeing her."

"Then what is it, Paige?"

Paige hesitated. This wasn't her secret to tell, but at the same time, she and Hazel told each other _everything. _"I ran into Ellie in the washroom earlier."

"So? She wasn't trying some voodoo spell on you, was she?"

"No! Why would you even say that?" Paige paused, unsure of how to explain what she saw. "When I walked in, she dropped her compass in the sink. I didn't think anything of it, until I realized that her arm was bleeding. She blamed it on hitting the sink, but-"

Hazel's eyes widened. "You don't mean Ellie was... Guess that would explain the long sleeves. I always thought she was a freak."

"Stop, Hazel," Paige pleaded. "I don't know what to do."

"Why do you even care, Paige? You two aren't exactly friends."

"So? I just can't sit here and let her keep doing that to herself. I don't care who she is. She _needs_ help."

"She's not going to," Hazel stopped, and surrendered. "Maybe you should talk to Ms. Suave. I mean she did help you after everything."

* * *

"Please. Don't bring _that_ up again." _This isn't about me. It's about Ellie. _"I guess that's what I'll do."

"Paige," Ms. Suave seemed puzzled. "Is everything okay? Your appointment isn't until tomorrow morning."

"I know, and I'll be there. I actually wanted to talk to you about something else. It's about," Paige hesitated. "It's about a friend. I think she's hurting herself."

"Oh. Wow," Ms. Suave looked at her calendar. "I have some time after school if you want to talk."

Paige nodded. "Thank you, Ms. Suave. I appreciate it." She turned to exit the room.

* * *

It was the longest and the shortest afternoon ever. In some ways, the clock seemed to tick in slow motion, but Paige still wanted to hold back the hands of time. _What if I'm wrong?_

Only a few students remained in the hallway. Paige knocked on the door to Ms. Suave's office. Ms. Suave held her phone in one hand, and with the other, gestured for Paige to wait. Page nodded, and found a seat on the bench. Her heart pounded. She hadn't been this nervous since the day she finally decided to admit that she was raped.

Coffee mug in hand, Ms. Suave stepped out of the office. "Hey, Paige. Give me a minute, and we'll talk about your friend, okay?"

Of course, Ellie Nash just happened to be walking down the hallway in the opposite direction at that moment. She stopped in her tracks and waited for the clacking of Ms. Suave's shoes on the linoleum to fade before she turned around to see the guilt-ridden look on Paige's face. "About who? Me?"

_Why is she still here?_ Paige sighed and stood up. "Look. I don't care if you get mad. What you're doing is dangerous, okay? It's scary."

"You can't handle it! You have to take away the one thing that matters!" Ellie approached Paige.

"What are you talking about?"

"You want my co-op job."

"I don't _care_ about about the _stupid _job. You're hurting yourself."

Ellie shook her head and started to walk away, but Paige wouldn't let her. "This is beyond me. I don't know how to help you, but Suave will."

"I don't need help!" Ellie turned around once more. Again, the tone was so familiar. Like Paige telling Hazel she was"fine" because Dean used a condom.

"Then, show me your arm."

"There's _nothing _wrong with me!"

Paige raised her voice. "Then show me your arm!" It stopped Ellie in her tracks, and Paige spoke again, this time, a little calmer. "Ellie. Ellie, please, show me your arm."

And Ellie complied.

"Oh, Ellie." This wasn't the Ellie Nash Paige knew. Her arm was decorated with a series of gashes that extended from her wrist to her shoulder. Some had begun to heal; others were dressed with fresh bandages. It didn't seem real. With her right hand, Paige held Ellie's as she gingerly touched one of the cuts.

Ellie cried. It was something Paige never believed she would witness. The edgy, alternative, goth girl who was phased by nothing was crying. Shame. Humiliation. Pain. Emotions that were all-too familiar to Paige. It was at that moment that Paige understood. It was something much deeper than a co-op job or a test. This wasn't about Marco's crush on Dylan. It was that, and so much more.

When Dean Walton raped Paige, she coped the only way she knew how. She got busy. She took control over the newly reformed PMS as a distraction. It was about control. In a time when everything was falling apart, Paige needed control. This was Ellie's way of controlling something.

"It's okay. It's okay," Paige whispered. "It's okay."

Ellie didn't look up, and Paige just held her friend's hand. After a moment, she spoke again. "Please, talk to someone. Ms. Suave. Your parents."

"My dad's in Afghanistan," Ellie choked back her tears.

This was news to Paige. "Your mom?"

"She's been... busy... stressed." Ellie was a bad liar.

Paige didn't push the issue though. "I'm sure Ashley's mom would help. When we were younger, I always went to Mrs. Kerwin when I couldn't talk to my own mom about things. She was always like a second mother to me, and I know you and Ashley are close."

"I don't know," Ellie hesitated.

"It was just a suggestion, Ellie," Paige reached into her bag for a tissue. "I was going to talk to Suave about this, but maybe you should..."

"I can't."

"I know, but you need help," Paige inhaled, then exhaled. "This cannot get out. The only people who know, other than Suave and my family, of course, are Hazel, Ashley, Spinner, and J.T."

Ellie nodded, obviously a little surprised by the last name listed, and Paige continued. "I was raped- last year. Right around the time of that band contest. Ellie, I didn't want to talk to anyone about it- not even Hazel, and _especially_ not Suave."

"I'm so sorry," it was a rare moment. Paige wasn't trying to steal the spotlight. She was being transparent to the last person she ever suspected it.

"You don't need to tell me anything unless you want to," Paige wiped a tear from her own eye. "But please, talk with Suave. I'll sit there with you if you want. I'll do whatever I can do, but promise me you'll talk to her."

Ellie nodded. "I promise."

Suave came down the hallway. "Paige, I'm ready to-" she stopped. "Is everything okay?"

Ellie sighed, fixing her sleeve, but neither girl said a word.

"Why don't you two come in, and we can talk?" the counselor offered.

Paige looked at Ellie. "Go, Paige. I'll be fine."

And Paige embraced this unlikely friend. "Everything will be okay," she whispered in Ellie's ear. "You'll be okay."

"Are you ready?" Ms. Suave looked at Ellie. The redhead nodded. Paige watched as the two disappeared into the office.

As the door closed, Paige leaned against the lockers.

For the first time in the nearly six months that had passed since Paige finally decided to press charges against her rapist, Paige allowed herself to break down. Just like when she finally confessed to Ashley Kerwin why she couldn't sing the new version of "_Poor Thing." _She slid down onto the floor of the Degrassi hallway, and cried.


End file.
